Frustrated by a turn of events back in 2009, I wrote a dumb little post that blew up far beyond anything I could ever imagine.
This post—and I refer you again to the dumb nature of it—brought hundreds of thousands of visitors to the old Jennsylvania.com and was even covered by entities like Entertainment Tonight and Yahoo! News. (A few years later, a similar thing would happen right before a book launch and I garnered international press not for my upcoming release, but for losing my shit over the Lilly Pulitzer for Target debacle. Argh.)
About a decade ago, I changed webhosts and archived my old work, then I couldn’t find this one anymore. Honestly, I thought the post had been lost to the ages, but then I learned a valuable lesson—the internet never forgets.
I have no idea if anyone cares about this anymore, but it made me laugh when I found it again, and that feels like enough.
With that, I give you New New Moon.
November 17, 2009
Setting: Our kitchen, last night. I’m accidentally burning the steaks while Fletch goes around opening windows to let the smoke escape.
Fletch: So, are you ready for Friday? You have everything together?
Me: Yeah, I guess. I don’t really know what I have to get together, though. I think I just need to show up, right? Maybe get some popcorn and Milk Duds?
Fletch: We’ll need any new receipts you have for fourth quarter.
Me: Why the hell would I need receipts to see the very first showing of (Twilight) New Moon on opening day?
Fletch: Um, Jen… you understand we’re meeting with our accountant at 11:00 on Friday, yes? We’ve got two hours blocked off with him?
Me: Wait, that’s this Friday? 11/20 Friday? New Moon Friday?
Fletch: Yes.
Me: NOOOO!!!
So apparently, I’m going to be busy being an adult on Friday instead of seeing the first showing of New Moon.
However, if you’re in the same boat, fear not for I have come up with a rather elegant solution to our dilemma. Thus I present to you New Moon… the Jennsylvania edition. (Beware, spoilers abound.)
[2023 Jen thinks it’s probably okay to spoil a 14 year old film.]
The Cullen Family: “Happy eighteenth birthday, Bella!”
Bella: “Oh, dear—I seem to have given myself a paper cut. Wait, everyone stop tryin got kill me! It’s just a flesh wound!”
Edward: “Well, shit.”
Edward: “I cannot be with you but I will not destroy your soul.”
Bella: “Huh?”
Edward: “It’s over. I’m Audi 5000.”
Bella: “Just because your family tried to kill me? Oh, please, that happens at everyone’s family gatherings. Remind me to tell you about the 2006 Swan Arbor Day Massacre. Wait, hey, DON’T YOU WALK AWAY FROM ME, MISTER.”
Edward: * * *
Bella: “I can’t believe that motherfucker just walked away from me.”
Bella: “I’m probably going to need some elastic waist pants after this. But I’ll rally. I’ll totally rally. I am woman, hear me roar!”
Bella: “Yeah, I kind of didn’t rally.”
Jacob: “I’m going to need Kleenex, four boxes of wine, and Meg Ryan’s entire body of work on DVD, stat!”
Bella: “Hey, Jacob, have you been working out?”
Keep reading with a 7-day free trial
Subscribe to Meet the Mess to keep reading this post and get 7 days of free access to the full post archives.