Hey! Jen is here writing the Golden Bachelor recap and Karyn will be responding. Lots of action this week, so let’s dive in!
Our preview is of a weepy Gerry. I think we all know how I feel about old man tears, so I’m glad it’s just a quick shot and not a prolonged scene. We open in the mansion on Theresa showing us how she does her arm exercises and then we flashback to her arguing with Kathy last week. If you recall, Kathy was asking Theresa to not be a fucking cluebag, bragging about all her Gerry time. Did Theresa learn anything from this conversation? No. No, she did not.
The ladies are sitting around the manse, waiting for the day to unfold. Kathy is wearing her hair down. She looks cute. As you know, I’m now Team Kathy, so this week I fear I will either dislike her greatly or she’ll be gone. As they all sit there, former Bachelorette Trista Sutter comes in. She hasn’t aged even a minute. The ladies lose their shit, treating her like the second coming of Christ. It's a little over the top.
I don’t know who this Trista person is, but when she says she was on The Bachelor 20 years ago, I immediately realize I need to get over my fear of Botox and get some stat because she looks amazing. (Oh my God, I just Googled her and she’s my age. Making my appointment now.)
Theresa interrupts Trista to brag about how she got the first date, which is exactly what Kathy pleaded with her not to do. Theresa is getting the stink eye from everyone. Here’s the thing—when every other kid/girl/woman in the group dislikes you, it’s imperative you check your behavior. Yes, women can be clique-y, but if you’re universally disliked, sometimes it’s you, hi, you’re the problem, it’s you.
Kathy makes the point that Theresa just can't seem to find the off button. She's not wrong. Trista leaves a date card. Leslie remarks that whoever is not on the group date card is the one who gets the one-on-one and she’s hoping that it's her. I'm just hoping that it's not Theresa. Because frankly, I'm tired of her shit.
Leslie gets the one-on-one date and she is thrilled. Faith is less so, as she thought it was hers.
Ha ha, Faith, your magic guitar didn’t win Gerry over. I’m so excited my girl Leslie will finally get to spend some time with him.
The ladies are off to play pickleball for their group date. I have no opinion on this sport, save for the fact that the entire world is suddenly treating this sport as though it were the second coming of Christ. (Karyn, I know what you’re going to say, and I’m ready to put it on our list.) Gerry says he is thrilled about having his balls touched today. Okay, he didn't say it that way exactly, but I think we all know his endgame. Also, pickleball is a big part of Gerry's life.
When they said they were going to play pickleball, I legit screamed out loud because I just played for the first time last night and I had so much fun! I can see myself getting as obsessed with it as Ellen. Also, Sandra says she’s never played before but she can’t wait to “dink” or “dookle” Gerry. It’s dink, Sandra. (Amateur.)
Joey is here to instruct them. I have no idea who Joey is. Was there a season of The Bachelor that I missed? Because this guy? No idea. Was he a pandemic bachelor? I know there was a season or two where everyone was stuck on the same grounds and they didn’t go anywhere and I thought, “I'm already living this, I don't need to see this,” which is likely why I don’t know him.
Kathy admits she would go to Cougar Town with Joey if needed. Okay, Kathy, I'm still on your team. That doesn’t bode well for your future. We see everyone warming up and some of the ladies fumble their balls. April, I'm looking at you. Susan complains that she doesn't understand why it's called pickleball. She doesn't get where the “pickle” comes from. Susan is one big walking double entendre. And I am here for it.
During their warmups, April goes down! April is down. Faith is jealous that April may have broken her ankle because she got to cozy up to Gerry as he helped and comforted her. Um, Gerry… Run. Fucking run. Faith’s going to make a doll out of your hair.
I’m so excited for Kathy going to cougar-town with this Joey person. Also, I recorded April falling down because it’s amazing. She’s not playing pickleball, she’s not running after a ball. She just stumbles over like a drunk.
Wait! It turns out April was faking it! Ten points for you April. Or, however, they score pickleball. I neither know nor care. They ladies are going to do a pickleball tournaments and the prize is to be featured in a pickleball magazine, which I imagine is on par with being named King of the Dipshits, but I digress. Ellen is pretty excited about it, though.
THERE’S A PICKLEBALL MAGAZINE?! BRB need to subscribe. (Also, I can’t wait to buy a cute pickleball outfit like Trista’s with matching paddles and bags.)
The gals are paired up. Theresa and Susan are the Purple Pickelettes. No.
Next to the arena/kitchen/court/don’t care are the Pinky Dinkies, who are Faith and April. The Pinky Dinkies are squaring off against the green Pickleicious Paddles comprised of Kathy and Ellen. My money is on them. Ellen takes a ball to the tits. (Foreshadowing?) Gerry's eyes are super blue in the sunlight.
The Pickleicious Paddles win. Then it’s Theresa and Susan (the Purple Pickelettes) versus Bitchin’ Kitchen, Sandra and Nancy. They're in orange. Can we have a brief word about the naming protocol? Are these names the best everyone could do? Nobody wanted to be the Pickle Lickers? Susan, I feel like you left money on the table here.
Jen, if you start playing we can form a team called The Dill-dos!
Sandra gets after it on the court. The host points out that she is missing her daughter’s wedding for this. Wow. There was a lot of chatter about this on the Internet this week. People were riled up about it. Some people were all, “This is awful, what a selfish person Sandra is,” but in the interview I read with Sandra, her daughter was really into her being at the mansion. So I don't know what to think. It's possible Sandra is really great, but people forget that sometimes mothers can also be motherfuckers. I don't know. I just don't know.
I need to call out Jesse’s delivery of the news. “I want to point out that Sandra is playing with two artificial knees.” Pause. “She’s also missing her daughter’s wedding.” I’m sorry, WHAT?! Absolutely fucking not. Never in one million years. I can’t imagine this will over well with Gerry. He’s such a family man.
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