Previously on the Golden Bachelor, SNAK was decimated, save for Susan. I'm going into this episode with high expectations because Gina, my friend who normally has no time for nonsense, wanted to discuss the episode before I saw it.
We open on a flash-forward where Gerry is comforting a crying Leslie. Oh, Karyn's gonna be pissed if he made her cry. Then we flash back to the bachelorette pad, where the remaining ladies are singing and dancing Hava Nagila in the swimming pool. If that was an editor slyly throwing in a little support for Israel, nicely done.
If Gerry breaks Leslie’s heart, he’s dead to me. Also I didn't realize it was Hava Nagila and thought they were singing Ring Around the Rosie or some kind of witchcraft chant (no doubt started by Theresa).
Ellen, who is wearing fantastic tortoise shell glasses, makes the point that kids today don't know any of the old games like hopscotch or mah-jongg or canasta because they always have their nose in their phones. You know those kids and their mah-jonng.
Faith is bummed because she hasn't had any one-on-one time with Gerry in a long time, a refrain she's been singing for about a month. She's eating her breakfast oddly. She's taking a bite of cottage cheese in one hand and then a bite of a strawberry from her other hand. Of course, if SNAK were to have done that, I would have a new way of eating fruit with cottage cheese.
Jesse arrives at the manse. I notice Leslie is wearing a pair of chunky white fisherman sandals, and now I'm going to have to Google image search those, that as well as the glorious fleece I saw at the grocery store today.
[KARYN, I MADE THE IMAGE TOO BIG.]
^ I’m leaving this note here because sometimes Jen leaves little notes like this in her posts of things for me to fix, and it warms my heart and makes me feel needed.
Jesse explains that only half of the women will get to hometowns, so that means three will be eliminated. Ellen desperately wants to bring Gerry home. Jesse teases the fact that there's going to be a magical, once-in-a-lifetime one-on-one date, as well as a snazzy group date. The women who are left are Ellen, Susan, Leslie, Sandra, Theresa, and Faith. In a perfect world, I'd like to see him with Ellen, Sandra, or Susan, just because I like them the most and believe they'd be the most fun. They may not be the best for him, but in my head, this is all about what I want.
Faith gets the one-on-one. She screams. She says no one in her life has ever really known her or accepted her for who she is, and that's sad. But at 61, sometimes you have to stand back and assess the situation. If there's been no one your whole life who is on your team? Maybe it's you who is the problem.
She’s totally her own problem. Also, she thought the note said, “You make my heart sore” instead of “You make my heart soar.” Make of that what you will.
Oh, shit they've got Gerry driving again. He's in the vintage Bronco again, top down. That is a sweet, sweet automobile. Gerry mumbles something about grandchildren, but I am too wrapped up in the classic American car porn.
This Bronco is hot and it makes Gerry seem sexy, but I wonder what he drives IRL. Like, I would bang Bronco Gerry, but I wouldn’t bang Honda Gerry. OMG, it just occurred to me that when producers take away Gerry’s sexy clothes and cars, the winner will most likely be left with Honda Gerry who wears dorky pants.
Faith is wearing a cropped tank top for the date. I have to hand it to her, she is working it. Don't let people tell you that you're too old for an outfit. You wear what you want. They drive (not on the freeway this time--production learned their lesson) and chat about trying to date online. Faith does not know that you always need to have a hair tie with you in case you find yourself in a convertible and her hair is everywhere. There's not gonna be any recovery from this.
They pull up to a helicopter. Faith is afraid of heights, because of course she is. Faith comments that all the things they see from the chopper look like ants. Faith does not have a creative or original bone in her body, as every phrase is a cliche. They fly over the manse and the ladies spot them. Leslie is upset. It's like Leslie doesn't know she's on a dating show.
Faith and Gerry are making out in the plane. Leslie continues to be profoundly unhappy. The rest of the ladies are just hanging out with their margaritas, enjoying themselves in the moment. I would advise Gerry to go with the people happily swilling margs in the sun, instead of those who are pouting over what they don’t have. (I think I'm turning against Leslie, for her own good. All of her pain and need are making me uncomfortable and that's not a punchline, it's a fact. You've got to get yourself in a good headspace and not count on someone else to complete you.)
Gerry and Faith making out on the plane is the senior version of the mile high club.
Faith also notes that they are in the middle of cloud nine. Ask me how I feel about people who speak solely in cliches. The helicopter begins to circle a boat, and it becomes clear it's going to land on it. Okay, landing the boat on the helipad is pretty impressive.
Gerry breaks out into spastic laughter over the landing.
His laughter is so spastic that he's going to be GARY for the rest of this recap. Sorry, you braying donkey, you just lost your Gerry privileges. Also, the second both of these morons step out of the helicopter, they are screaming and throwing their hands in the air like they just don’t care. The helicopter is stopped, this the blades are stopped, but that is bad helicopter protocol. I'm wondering if these two don't deserve each other.
Gary's begins to eat Faith's face.
They’re getting ready to do a little off-shore drilling. Ba dum bum.
Back at the maxi pad, Leslie is really struggling. I'm sad because she's sad. I want to watch this show to get away from sad things. Thus far, all the women have had a degree of maturity in handling things with Gary. Like, they all seem to be able to suck it up and figure it out, like they've had enough life experience that they're not going to let this get them down too much. But Leslie is on the struggle bus. This show is not good for her psyche.
If Leslie is reacting this poorly, I can only imagine Theresa is stabbing a voodoo doll repeatedly in her bedroom. (Pretty sure she’s into the dark arts.)
Keep reading with a 7-day free trial
Subscribe to Meet the Mess to keep reading this post and get 7 days of free access to the full post archives.