I Want My Hammer Back

Mob Wife week is here, and I'm out to reclaim what is mine.

Welcome to day two of Mob Wife week, where Jen and I are embracing the Mob Wife aesthetic with Emily Foster and Deanna Cheng of How to Be Less Old. The Mob Wife look is taking the world by storm. The New York Times published an article about it this weekend, as did Elle and Bazaar. And just yesterday I saw a post on Kelly Rutherford’s Instagram (who’s really fun to follow, btw, because she has such great style), in which she’s so clearly embracing it. So think all-black, faux furs, gold jewelry, big sunglasses — that’s Mob Wife.

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Kelly Rutherford on Instagram: ”🤍☕️”

January 30, 2024

I tried this look yesterday and failed spectacularly. Note to self: black smudged eyeliner ages you by at least ten years, and it’s really hard to make thin hair look big (something I haven’t tried to do since the 80s). I’m going to give it another shot tonight, though, because I’m meeting Emily and Deanna out for Aperol spritzes. Until then, I’m going to focus on embracing the Mob Wife attitude. So move over cable repair man, there’s a new villain in town.

Thanks to this Substack, I've come to realize I can hold a grudge for years, and my latest example involves a hammer.

Eight years ago, a guy who lived across the hall from me borrowed a hammer and never returned it. I was living in Hollywood at the time, in a building that was loaded with influencers and influencer wannabes, who always arrived with stars in their eyes and often left in the middle of the night in tears.

The corner apartment on my floor was a revolving door for these types. People would live there for a few months and then suddenly disappear. One night, a new resident of this unit knocked on my door and asked if he could borrow a hammer. He seemed nice enough, so I said yes and handed it over. A few weeks passed, and he didn’t return it, so I started obsessing over it. And then, just as I was about to confront him about it, he vanished like the others.

I have a finsta (a fake Instagram account where I spy on randos), so naturally I followed him from it. I needed to know what happened and where he went. Did he move to another unit in the building? Was he evicted? And most importantly, where was my hammer in all of this?!