Hello, Jen here. We’re taking a brief break from being French to bring you this Golden Bachelor recap. (Thus far, Karyn’s having a much better time at being French than I am, but I’ll let her tell you about it.)
Karyn here. I just want to let you know that Jen originally titled this post “GARY IS A FUCKWEASAL” in all caps, just so you know what you’re in for. (She asked me to come up with a more appropriate title.)
So, recap. Immediately, I see that the show is two hours long, which is one hour too many. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve loved watching (and dunking on) this show, but my attention span is only so long. I don’t even want to do stuff I love for two continuous hours. Fortunately, there are enough ads that it’s only one hour and fourteen minutes to recap and that is manageable. Listen up, ABC—you guys were able to sell 23 minutes of advertising per hour, okay? That says that advertisers want to give you money, ergo, this show is successful. Please don’t let this be a one-off because it’s been a real treat.
We open on a flashback of Gary trying to decide between the three ladies and he’s losing his shit. I sought out spoilers, so I already know what's going to happen. Also, I’m watching/writing this on Sunday, so it’s after the fact anyway.
We go back to the studio with Jesse and an audience full of women who are VERY excited to be there. All of our favorite gals are in attendance and that makes me happy. And I’m excited about the whole thing, but there’s still three more weeks until we get his pick, as the show is taking a week off for Thanksgiving. You’re milking it, ABC. I wonder if the show ended up bigger than they expected?
This annoyed me. They picked up with Gary hunched over, ready to hurl. Then Jesse came up and was like, “Are you okay?” And Gary said, “I know what I want to do; I just don’t want to do it” And I thought we were going back inside to watch him give his second rose away, but NO. We have to the watch the special first.
Jesse announces that these women have become national treasures and he is right. Ooh, Marina is back, the sari lady who disappeared. The audience is losing their shit over all the gals being here. I love it. The entire SNAK pack is here. Woot!
Jesse opens the show with letting Sandra share some profanity. Sandra is giving me Mary Cosby and her non-sequiturs vibes. Real Housewives of Salt Lake City fans, tell me if you see it, too. Also, to the RHOSLC viewers reading this, I thought they were going to flail without Jen Shah this season and I was pleasantly mistaken. Monica is a disaster in the best possible way.
To begin, we’re taking a look back. Gary says “bonjour” so it's nice to know that Gary is on board with our French week, also. We see flashback scenes and we’re reminded of how awesome Susan is when she tells Gary how comfortable she is with six inches. She is a delight.
We also see pickleball scenes and I might be on board with the pickleball outfits. I don’t want to play, but the fits make it tempting.
Pickleball outfits are so up your alley, Jen. I think we should build a court at the compound. You’re so competitive and you love a coordinated outfit. I can see you really enjoying it.
My overall impression from rolling earlier tape is that I am absolutely smitten by the relationships these women have formed. I just love it. That's the key to longevity, having people in your tribe. We also see some footage of pretty, pretty Joan and I suspect she’d have been a contender if she’d stayed.
Susan's up first to chat with Jesse. She says how upset her son is with her. She says if she'd known how upset her son would have been, she’d have said eight inches instead of six. Two thoughts: one, I want to go to Thanksgiving at her house, and two, it’s possible her son will be upset with her coming on TV in unintentional black face with a tan that deep.
April regrets not having enough sexy time with Gary and Nancy looks elegant in her strapless floral gown. As Jesse brings up the beef between Kathy and Theresa, her whole posse jumps in to defend Kathy. I get the feeling Theresa wasn’t actually here to make friends, but Kathy sure did. Oh, to be on that group text!
April said her grandkids asked her to reel it in at the mansion. Once again, I find myself cursing children this week. (Why would you do that, April’s grandkids?!)
We segue into a discussion about Susan's radioactive gas. It was so bad, she had to keep running outdoors to toot. She blames it on Edith's guacamole which looks FANTASTIC. My friends (who’d already watched the episode) discussed this on our Friday night call. Joanna has been a dietitian for 30+ years and she says it was the meatballs. While guac can give you gas, it’s the meat that makes the gas stink. That is good to know. Although if you've ever been or been around a gym rat, you’re already familiar with protein farts.
I think Joanna said it was a combo of the two. So guac alone, no gas. Meatballs alone, no gas. But eat them together and BAM! Radioactive gas.
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