Joan and Pascal Go to Paris!

The Golden Bachelorette Episode 3 Recap

Hello, it’s Karyn! We’re starting off hot with Joan sobbing to the men because she’s not sure if she’s ready to find love. Yawn. She’s starting to sound like a broken record. She says this every episode.

Hi, Jen responding here in the insets. All the reasons I thought Joan wouldn’t be interesting are manifesting.

Now back to the beginning. It’s morning at the Bachelor Mansion and our guys are looking rough. Apparently it’s chaos because everyone snores and gets up to go pee numerous times throughout the night.

People, get your prostrates checked, we can’t say this enough.

Then they chat about who’s pulling their weight. Some guys cook, some clean, and then there’s Pascal. Oh, Pascal. He proudly announces that all the domestic stuff is not for him. I like how owns the fact that he’s high maintenance.

Pascal is every asshole we’ve all ever been paired with in a group project. Sure, yes, let us do all the work and you share in the credit because you’re charming the other dummies in the group who are blind to your manipulation. He is already giving me agita. Karyn and I talked about this episode before I watched it and she’s promised it’s going to change my mind about some guys. Thus far, IT’S NOT PASCAL.

Jesse arrives and they all start roasting Pascal. Apparently, he kicked Mr. Roarke/Colonel Sanders out of the bedroom because of his snoring, but still makes him do his laundry. And he sidles up to people when they’re cooking and asks them to make him a little something too. He has a housekeeper who does all these things for him at home, which is precisely why I like him. If I were to date Pascal, I’d have a housekeeper too.

I like that he owns it, but have to say that when someone tells you who they are, LISTEN TO THEM. Also, have we established where Mr. Roarke is sleeping? Why is the house so big but only has 7-man bedrooms?

Jesse tells everyone that there’s going to be two one-on-one dates, and one group date. As CK is opening the note saying who gets a one-on-date, Mark once again says, “It’s important for Joan to get to know me.” UGH.

No love here for Mark.

Pascal gets the one-on-one date! He’s touched and he gets emotional. He says it’s hard for him to open up and cries. Jen, how could you not like Pascal?! I love him.

I like him. I think he’s great TV. He seems like major fun. But I’ve yet to see him prove he’s not here for Pascal.

Joan picks Pascal up in a red Porsche, and it’s very Golden Bachelorette meets Fast & Furious. Pascal’s impressed, but also struggles with riding shotgun.

Joan is driving 14 MPH. We need to stop giving seniors the keys. HER BLINKERS WERE ON THE WHOLE TIME.

Joan knows Pascal is successful, but she needs to see what’s in his heart. And I need Jen to know what’s in his heart, too, because then she’ll undoubtedly love him like I do! They arrive at the airport and take a private jet to Vegas.

There’s a whole plane and they sat next to each other on a bench seat the whole time. Hard pass.

Joan and Pascal Visit Paris in Vegas

Joan and Pascal sip champagne in a limo and head to the Paris hotel because they want Pascal to feel at home. How cute! I have a friend who’s a producer on this show and I will have to tell her how clever this date is.

This is an A+, 5-star date. The team is obviously rooting for Pascal to stick around. Probably because they know that Pascal is a 69-year-old f-boy and that is great TV. Is he the villain this season? No. However, he couldn’t be more clear about who he is and what he’s about, so it’s not like he’s dishonest and I do appreciate that. But it’s like they’re trying to get the cat to bark, to have him be something he’s not. I predict he makes it to the final four.

They step into a suite packed with designer clothes, and while a pianist plays classy music, they pick outfits for their night out. Pascal says he feels like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. Joan puts on a fun, neon pink dress, and Pascal puts on a jacket without a shirt. His bod is rockin’ — I would bed Pascal immediately.

He’s funny. I like him. I am not immune to his charm. In person, he is super dynamic and charming with a Clooney-like twinkle in his eyes. If there’s an “it” factor, he has it. My point is, F-boys are lots of fun, which is why they’re f-boys. He’s yet to change my heart or mind about his intentions.

He’s 69 years old!

Omg, they decide on gorgeous outfits. Joan looks like a 10/10 in her dress.

No notes.

Back at the mansion, Precious Charles and Groovy Gary go to the store and get the guys melatonin and pajamas.

This is the show I want to see. The Charles and Gary Run Errands show? A million times yes.

Back in Vegas, Joan and Pascal are not in their fancy clothes anymore. Where did the fancy clothes go? Did they go anywhere in them? Then there’s a knock on the door and Wayne Newton comes over. Okay, not to name drop again (and I’ve actually told this story before), but I used to work with someone whose sister is married to Wayne Newton. She ended up doing PR for him and lived in his Vegas mansion for years.

Can someone please tell Wayne Newton if he wants to retire, we won’t be mad? He seems exhausted. Like if he were a tube of toothpaste, it’s all been squeezed out of him already.

After a commercial break, we return to Precious Charles who is once again sad over his late wife. They know we love Charles and are milking his story. He’s sitting on a sofa and wearing shorts. He has nice legs.

Charles, hi. Love you. Mean it. BUT STOP WITH THE DEAD WIFE, I BEG OF YOU.

Sexy legs.

Then Charles tells Dr. Guy how his wife died of a brain aneurism, and has wondered why blood was coming from her mouth for six years. Dr. Guy says she probably bit her tongue when she fell to the ground. Dr. Guy tells him he needs to stop tormenting himself with the details. Poor Charles.

This made me root for Dr. Guy. If your thoughts were I’d be more Team Guy after this, then yes. You got me, Guy. He has tremendous empathy. I bet he’s a really nice doctor and his patients love him.

Back in Vegas, Joan and Pascal are back in their fancy clothes, enjoying dinner by the Eiffel Tower. Joan tells him she studied computer science and is a coder. Love this about Joan! Pascal opens up about his terrible childhood in Paris. Six people lived in one tiny apartment, and his parents never told him they loved him. He literally had one pair of shoes with a hole in them, and his dad put cardboard in it to make do. He didn’t speak a word of English when he came to the States, and now he’s here in a tux, eating by a fake Eiffel Tower.

JEN, YOU BETTER HAVE A CHANGE OF HEART ABOUT PASCAL AFTER THIS.

I like him. I respect his hustle. I think he’s darling. I admire the business he built. I would watch the Pascal show. Yet I maintain it’s still all about Pascal. Not about Joan. Also, I would root for him to be the next Golden Bach (only with younger women).

If Joan doesn’t pick Pascal, I’d like to date him.

I know where to find him, but I suspect you’re too old for him. Also, tell me Joan’s terrible extension tracks weren’t making him a little crazy. And the point where he said, “That was a French kiss”? Gross.

Back at the mansion, another date card arrives — the group date card. It’s everyone except Jonathan, who gets the one-on-one date. He doesn’t feel ready for it, and he cries. God, I love these men. They’re all so in touch with their emotions.

These are all such lovely men. Golden Bachelor in Paradise, please. At some point if we keep asking, ABC will listen.

Back in Vegas, Joan and Pascal go into a spaceship that takes them into the sky. (If you’ve been to Vegas and have been on this this, what is it and is it scary?!) Joan says she’s learned Pascal is not superficial and gives him a rose. Yay, Pascal!

Kickball Group Date

Then, they’re all standing on a football field. Joan brings in two athletes—Andre Reed and Eric Dickerson. I have no idea who they are, but Groovy Gary freaks out. They’re going to play kickball, which sounds horrible to me. Isn’t kickball like dodgeball where people throw or kick the ball at you? They did at my school.

I want to play on an adult kickball league. Do these exist? I was sent to special gym classes in grade school because I was so uncoordinated, but I excelled at kickball because it was just kicking and aggression. I was a kicking savant. Once I kicked the ball so far, it went down a ravine and we lost the ball and I was kind of a legend because we got to stop playing and go back inside. I was also spectacular at obstacle courses. I do have dodgeball flashbacks, though.

They stretch before playing, and Colonel Sanders is happy Joan can see how limber he is. Joan says she’s more of a “corn hole girl,” which sounds dirty to me.