Like, Why Are We Even Here?

More of the Show That No One Wanted

Hey! Today I am recapping this shitshow solo.

By solo, I mean “with Fletch making quips in the background,” but for all intents and purposes, I am alone. Karyn will be back soon. I know that we miss her and we’ll all be happy when she’s dragged back into this nonsense because this torture is meant to be shared. This is too much misery for me to shoulder sober, so I also have wine.

Be warned—I have a case of the ass with the whole news cycle (NO, YOU FUCKING CAN’T RUN FOR A THIRD TERM, YOU BUFFOON, ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING HOW BADLY THIS ONE IS GOING) so I fear I may be taking it out on how you say this bitch. Apologies in advance.

This week, it looks like we’re getting into the weeds with Alec’s relationship with Ireland. Or are we?

We open on Alec pulling up with all the kids coming home from camp. As she unloads, Hillary from Boston appears to be wearing plastic pants. Lulu is mad at Alec and she’s making up words to describe how she’s mad at her father, saying he’s being “neelo.” Hillary from Boston makes a big freaking deal over this improper word usage. Maybe it’s not as bad as, say, violating the GD 22nd Amendment, but still. Plus, how is she wrapped around the axel about how so it’s weird for her kids to make up a language but she can just co-opt another culture’s accent? It’s almost like not being able to “care less” if foreign automakers raise prices due to tariffs.

Cool, cool, cool.

Hillary from Boston is cooking for a couple of random guys loitering in the kitchen. I guess they’re Alec’s friends? We learn they had his back for the past few years, so they are aces in Alec’s book. HFB mangles her English when she says, “Are you telling them about when we meet?” The show tries to play out their love story as a mini-documentary, but basically she was wine drunk and told him she was from Boston. He was like, “No, you’re not.” But he didn’t care because she was a GD smokeshow.

To be clear, it’s not that she doesn’t look good now, but maybe it’s that her boobs didn’t get in the way of her face back then?

Anyway, they are all eating at the table as she regales the dudes and as she speaks in a Spanglish accent, cat hops up on the table.

I am judging hard here. HARD. I am no stranger to cats the table because I am a savage and we live like wolves. That said, I allow this in the secret shame of my own house, not on camera. HFB also talks about how Alec was into consent when they were dating. But I did not consent to this shot.

Fletch notes that if he were OCD, his hair would be combed in his talking head and he’d “have been wearing a fucking belt the day that I met him.” (I’m saving the shot of us with him for the finale, FYI.)

We learn that Hillary from Boston dated an actor who then appeared on Broadway in some kind of shown where there was full frontal. Alec described her ex as having “a clarinet hanging from his pants.” He goes on and on about her ex’s business. Like, the full Arnold Palmer. It’s cracking up the producer, so I’m glad that someone is enjoying this, as I am not.