Welcome to Golden Bachelor recap! Only one more episode after tonight and we will know who Gary’s going to spend the rest of his life with! As a reminder, Karyn is writing this with Jen’s additions indented in red.
We start with a flash forward. Gary and Leslie are getting cozy during a candlelit dinner. Leslie asks Gary about the last time he had sex, and Gary spits out his drink and asks if she means by himself or with someone else. Leslie’s really working it. Also, I get the feeling he calls his penis “Little Gare Bear.” Just a hunch.
Hey, Karyn! Gary’s not the only one who did a spit take here.
And now the show begins. Gary arrives in Costa Rica in a Tommy Bahama shirt ready to get some lovin’ in a fantasy suite. (Newbie question: Can Gary take both ladies to the fantasy suite? Or does he only get to bang one? Have there been occasions where the Bachelor has sex with both ladies?)
If I recall correctly, everyone always bangs everyone. And the younger bachelors and bachelorettes would do three fantasy suites. I imagine the same folks who made the decision to tether the hot air balloon made the call to have only two.
Like Waldo, Jesse appears out of nowhere and chats with Gary about the birds and the bees. Gary knows people wonder if old people still “knock boots,” and he says they do. He then asks Jesse about his parents having sex and the whole thing gets a little awkward. Anyway, Gary can’t wait for some pillow talk.
There are a lot of exotic birds in the establishing shots, likely getting us ready for Gary to get his beak wet. Rim shot! Also, is it just me, or do Gary and Jesse have good chemistry? And I like the part where Gary goes all President Clinton on trial where he’s, like, “It depends on how you define intimacy, Jesse.”
Gary tells Jesse he’s in love with Leslie and shuddered the last time she kissed him. As for Theresa, they both experienced the same loss and get each other on so many levels. He admits he cautiously held back when she said, “I love you,” but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love her. He just wants to make sure it’s right if he says it again.
Newbie question: Shouldn't a bachelor only say ILY to one lady on the show? Do they frequently say it to more than one lady?
Yes, and generally in the fantasy suite. You are quite the bachelor virgin!
When it comes to sex, Gary says he doesn’t want to rush it, that he’ll read the room and have a discussion about it first, which sounds very adult and boring. But then he says if the opportunity arises, [JEN: rim shot!] he’s not going to pass it up. So the TLDR is that he doesn’t want to rush it, but will bang if the opportunity presents itself.
Gary says sex is more gentle and slow at his age, something to savor. Then the camera pulls out and shows him bathing naked in a bathtub outdoors and it’s best camera shot of the entire season.
I screamed when I saw this shot because it’s basically the Cialis ad I referenced in the first recap.
Leslie’s in Costa Rica too! She’s excited and nervous for the fantasy suite. She feels like it’s “forever” with Gary and says she’s never had that even though she’s been married twice.
Put a pin the “married twice” business. I suspect this is going to come back to haunt Leslie.
For their date, Gary tells Leslie they’re going to rappel down a waterfall. Leslie’s not too excited about it because she’s afraid of heights. A little side note: I’m also afraid of heights and did some rappelling once and it looks a lot scarier than it is. So Leslie’s got this. As they walk away, Leslie says she’s impressed they found shoes to fit Gary, which leads me to wonder… is “Little Gare Bear” more grizzly, less teddy?
So now they’re rappelling. Leslie is nervous. Gary says he won’t leave her side. The rocks are slippery and Leslie is getting all wet.
Rim shot! (I’m sorry. I’ll stop now.)
Halfway down they stop to kiss, and you can bet a producer made them do this. They continue and before you know it, they’re on the ground. The whole thing feels a little anticlimactic, but regardless, they profess their love for one another and go swimming and make out.
OMG OMG OMG. There’s a commercial to apply to be on the next season of The Golden Bachelor! This is where “Oui Oui Week” meets our Golden Bachelor recaps — and it’s how I’m going to find a lover! I’m doing it! I’m doing it!
AHHH! I skip over the commercials, so I had no idea this could be a thing! Yes!!
It’s nighttime now and Gary and Leslie are walking to dinner. She’s wearing Norma Kamali again (she wears it a lot). I believe that’s the Diana top and the pencil pants. I have the pencil pants in black, I love them.
I don’t think Leslie is as broke as I’d guessed, a judgment I made based on her profession. Did you know she had her own aerobic DVDs? (I’ve been doing a deep dive on all the ladies’ socials. Joan just did a lovely job decorating her place for Christmas.)
Gary thinks Leslie’s wearing rose-colored glasses and he wants to make sure she’s not getting carried away. Gary tells Leslie she hasn’t asked him any hard questions, so she asks him about the last time he had sex. He says it’s been years. Leslie says it’s been one year.
Here’s my latest theory: Gary’s gonna marry whomever he bangs second, so I assume it’s Theresa. I had a college friend who had this nice boyfriend, good for her in every way, but didn’t want to marry him because she said he “humped like a cartoon dog.” (Let that image marinate for a second.) I imagine this will be Gary in his first iteration of intimacy with the ladies. The first night isn’t going to be good because he’s still trying to blow dust out of the engine. Again, just a theory.
Gary asks Leslie what she thinks life would look like if they end up together. (This is what I think he was going for with the “hard questions,” which sort of validates his point about Leslie wearing rose-colored glasses. Leslie girl, snap out of it! This whole game ends in marriage. Do you want this?) Leslie says she doesn’t want to leave Minneapolis permanently, but she loves Gary and wants to be with him.
I am torn here. In this episode, I want him to be with Leslie just because they have such great chemistry. And he keeps telling her she’s the one. I don’t want her to be destroyed if it goes the other way. She’ll have every reason to be pissed because Gary is giving her nothing but green flags. Is she getting the Faith edit, I wonder?
I think they could make the Indiana/Minneapolis thing work. It’s a short flight out of South Bend, Ft. Wayne, or Chicago, and an eight and a half hour drive. While I don’t want to run into Gary on I-80, I’m not going to say it’s not possible for someone to drive him. Based on logistics alone, she’s got this.
I’m beginning to think Leslie’s problem is Leslie. Not that her exes aren’t dirtbags who betrayed her (hence her trust issues), but I bet she jumped into those relationships without thinking too, just like she’s doing now. Gary says if they decide to get married, it will indeed be until “death do them part,” which makes Leslie cry. She says she’s crying because she’s never had that, and because she’s sick and tied of being alone on her birthday. She says she’s not afraid of commitment, but she needs help through the rest. I can see Gary picking Leslie, and Leslie dumping him a year from now because she doesn’t know how to commit forever.
If she never asks the hard questions, that’s why she is where she is. I think she ignores red flags and blithely proceeds forward, thinking she’ll live on love. But try paying your light bill in love.
Okay, Leslie just admitted she sabotages things that are good, so I was right about my prediction.
Jesse/Waldo sends an envelope with the key to the fantasy suite. Leslie’s in, Gary’s in — and I bet “Little Gare Bear” is in too. They get up and leave and when they enter the room, the first thing I think is, Those are definitely the pencil pants.
The first thing I think is, This is a nice hotel, because they have an umbrella in the room. Only nice hotels let you have umbrellas.
In the fantasy suite, Gary says Trista told him you have to find the one that you can’t live without, not the one you can live with. He tells Leslie he thinks she’s the one. They make out. Then he says he “has to have her with morning coffee” and “in bed at night.” Gary seems a little infatuated with Leslie, and I’m getting one-way vibes. Like Leslie is pretending to be really into this, but there’s still a wall up.
I have to agree with your self-sabotaging assessment.
They make out some more and then get into bed. WHEN DOES THE CAMERA GO AWAY? They make out on the bed and the pencil pants don’t wrinkle. (They’re really great, you should get some.) When the camera finally leaves, Gary says it’s 80 degrees inside. When he goes to adjust it, he says, “What do you like? 70?” And Leslie replies, “69.” And with that, “Little Gare Bear” comes out of hibernation.
I’m excited to see what gif you put here.
It’s the next morning and Leslie and Gary enjoy a cup of coffee together. DID THEY DO IT? Are they going to tell us? How does this work? Omg, Gary says they didn’t get enough sleep. They totally did it. Actually, Leslie says, “We talked about everything,” so maybe not. So did they just talk? Or did they talk AFTER SEX? I want to know.
Gary says he gets that people want to know what happens in the fantasy suites, but it’s “none of their fucking business.” Oh, well excuse me, Gary. You went on a reality show and I’ve watched you for eight episodes, beeyatch. Sorry if I feel like it’s my right to know. (IT IS MY RIGHT.) As God as my witness, if I go on The Golden Bachelor, I will tell you all if I bone in the fantasy suite.
They 100% banged. 100%.
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