Revenge of the Middle-Aged Woman

Hell Hath No Fury

I’m staring down the barrel of the first time since last summer where I have nothing I need to finish. No boot on my neck. No clock ticking so loudly it drowns out the sound of everything else.

While I’ve taken a handful of days off since the summer, it’s always been at the expense of a deadline. Yet I’ve reached a rare lull in my schedule. The dream of that lull has gotten me through the seven-days-a-week/fourteen hour days. I’ve imagined this and imagined this and now it’s finally here, like gold in my hands.

Unfortunately, I don’t know how to spend a handful of gold.

Much like you don’t want to leave your three-year-old unsupervised with a box of Sharpies and a white couch, as it turns out, I am not at my best when I don’t have something to do. Deadline Jen is an effective Jen.

Not Deadline Jen is at odds. Not Deadline Jen is Not Hot Dog.

Turns out, I am the Border Collie of people. Give me a task or I’m gonna find a task and the definition of “task” is open to broad interpretation.

A few days ago, I was doing a leisurely application of my makeup while watching Virgin River. My rule is no television until dinner time, but I skirt that rule by watching my iPad while doing rote chores like dishes or personal hygiene. While quietly cursing Charmaine’s name (she’s trouble in Virgin River, ya know), my phone pinged to tell me I had a voicemail.

The voicemail was from WEBB and appeared to have an Arkansas area code. When I listened to it, the caller was Patrick, telling me that someone was trying to use my credit card at Walmart to buy a $900 PlayStation. To dispute this pending charge, I’d need to press #1.

Oh, Patrick, you think I just fell out of a coconut tree?

(Let’s have a brief moment of silence here for what could have been. Sigh.)

Anyway. Patrick. Horseshit.

I looked up the number and it wasn’t associated with anything, which is of course the reddest of flags. Then I googled “Patrick Walmart scam PlayStation” and was routed to an entire Reddit thread where people talked about this scam. Some people’s elderly parents had been taken in and one bold soul had actually called them back, reporting that they called that number back and the guy—Patrick?—hung up on them.

So… there was a live person on the other end of that number?

Deadline Jen would have blocked the number and moved on with her day.

But Border Collie Jen decided she’d give herself a task after blocking that number…