Ship Happens: Joanie Gets Her Heart Broken in Tahiti

The Golden Bachelorette Episode 7 Recap

Hello, it’s Karyn. I was carving pumpkins tonight and having dinner with my neighbors when Jen texted and told me not to go online to see what happens on The Golden Bachelorette. So I listened and obeyed while cleaning up, and the whole time I was worried about Pascal. I hope he is okay. Let’s begin!

Jen’s here in the red indents with her thoughts and feels on this episode, ON WHICH SHE HAS MANY. Her first thought is, “Why are we doing yet another two-hour episode?” Also, Karyn’s night sounds really fun.

Joan’s on a yacht in a fur. She looks pretty, but she’s whining again. She was afraid coming into this, then she felt hopeful, now she’s not so hopeful anymore. Well, fuck.

Joan is wearing a modified version of Taylor Swift’s Karma jacket. Will karma in fact be Joan’s boyfriend? Or will karma instead friendzone her? Let’s find out.

Now we go back. Joan is at the airport, leaving LA on Air Tahiti. It looks like she’s in coach. Yeesh.

This made me irrationally angry. They’re doing #sponcon and they couldn’t even spring for business class? How is she supposed to lay flat in coach? Isn’t the flight like 20 hours? It’s unconscionable.

Tahiti is paradise, our little Joanie says. She’s on a cruise ship, which is all kinds of no from me. I went on a cruise one time, and after I saw 400 women plop their wet bikini asses down on the same bar stool, I was like nope! (If one of them had a disease, all of them had a disease.)

You could not pay me to get on a cruise ship, even one like this which is clearly deserted. Listeria? Legionaries’s disease? Norovirus? No, thank you. Also, there’s a guy on TikTok who films all these videos in what looks like an abandoned cruise ship. Everyone is always, “How does he do this?” It’s not the magic of editing; he’s probably just a PA for this show.

The guys arrive, and Pascal looks lovely in his pink shirt and white pants. He’s so chic. Oui oui! Then Nancy shows up from Gary’s season. Maybe she bangs one of Joanie’s guys — maybe that’s what’s going to happen! Maybe Nancy and Pascal are going to fall in love, and Joanie’s going to be all, “He’s my man!” And then one of them ends up overboard. THIS IS WHERE MY MIND IS GOING. What’s going to happen? Why do I need to stay off social media? It must be big.

The boat is the Starbreeze. It’s more #sponcon. Joan arrives on a tender, which is a term I only know from watching Below Deck. Nancy arrives with new personal floatation devices. (She got her boobs done, is what I’m saying.) Also, we’re like seven minutes into this thing and Joan has cried a half dozen times. Are you ready for it, Joan? Methinks not.

Joan describes the guys to Nancy. She says Dr. Guy is planning to retire and is handsome. Pascal lives life big, but is the most guarded. Chonk makes her feel safe, but she worries he’s too good to be true. Nancy thinks Joanie is falling in love.

Jen thinks Joan is falling in love… with Pascal. Do you guys feel like Joan is the friend that you are CONSTANTLY having to talk off the ledge? Like if it’s on her mind, she’s got to download to every-freaking-body? Like she’s incapable of having an internal monologue? I’m already exhausted.

Dr. Guy

Joanie’s cruise ship is docked off the island of Moorea. She gets into a red spaceship and cruises to where Dr. Guy is waiting for her on a dock. He’s wearing a peach shirt and white shorts and looks adorable. He hasn't seen her since their hometown visit and he’s excited.

Dr. Guy arrives on a tugboat. He is a golden retriever of a man and I mean that in the best possible way. He’s staying at the Sofitel #sponcon. He runs to Joan but Joan does not run to him. He’s way more into her than she is into him and this makes me feel for him.

THEY SEEM LIKE STRANGERS TO EACH OTHER TO ME. Why did the Golden Bachelor feel different? By the time Gary had his overnights with Theresa and Leslie, they seemed really connected.

I think we’ve had fewer episodes? Or maybe it seemed like Gary knew them better because he was eating all their faces at this point? We’ve yet to see a kiss that wasn’t appropriate to give your dad if you’re a lip-kissing family. (If you’re a lip-kissing family, please do not tell me because it gives me the squigs.)

OMG, btw, Jordan posted an Instagram story yesterday in which he discussed “Mount Jordan.”

Mount Jordan should have his own Instagram page, like people have for their pets.

Joan gets into a small white bikini, and she and Dr. Guy go snorkeling. There are sharks and stingrays, and it looks like a whole lot of fun. They hold hands the entire time and kiss underwater. And then they kiss underwater again and again. You know the producers were like, “Give us one more take!”

All the props to Joanie for rocking the Bond Girl bikini. When they kiss underwater, I cheer, as it’s the first not-dry kiss she’s received this season.

They do a quick flash to Chonk, who’s chatting with Jesse. He tells Jesse that he’s in love with Joan, and he’s wondering how she’s getting along with Dr. Guy and Pascal. He says they bring a lot to the table, but they’re not a good fit for Joan. (Because he knows so much about her? Ugh.) He says he’d be devastated if Joan didn’t reciprocate his love, and he wants this to end in an engagement. He says it so quickly that it’s creepy. He sounds very possessive.

This whole scene, I just kept saying, “Red flag! Red flag! Red flag!”