Is there anything better than getting good and riled up about something that doesn’t even peripherally involve you? (Trick question—the answer is obviously no.)
In today’s episode of None of My Business, But I’m Making It Mine Anyway, I want to talk about the hot goss currently circulating on #AuthorThreads. This is going down on the Threads app, which most people quickly abandoned. But for those of us left, we are in the middle of three major (in my gossipy little purview) scandals.
Frankly, I needed this distraction between keeping tabs on my neighbors’ divorce and watching ten million videos of Travis Kelce dancing in a top hat. (These are also people I don’t know, in case you’re sensing a theme here.)
“But, Jen,” you might say, “aren’t you drowning in five different projects that demand your attention and wouldn’t your time be better spent on those?”
Shush, or I’ll go in depth speculating on my theories of why Sharon walked out on Dave. (If you haven’t listened to yesterday’s podcast, this is an object lesson on why you should say hi back when someone greets you warmly.)
Scandal #1
There’s an author named Lauren Kay who has a business involving “selling publishing secrets.” From her own website, it reads:
“After Navigating The Labyrinth Of Traditional Publishing, I Realized How Many Aspiring Writers Could Benefit From A Roadmap. That's Why I Decided To Become That Guide.
My debut novel, We Ship It, was a dream come true, but it wasn't easy to get there. I want to help other writers achieve that same joy, minus the roadblocks.”
Okay. Sounds like she learned some stuff and she wants to profit from the hard knocks she endured along the way. I have no problem with that, especially as this service seems like it would be helpful. Publishing is a bitch to navigate, hard fact.
Personally, I’ve never offered courses on how to do what I did. Just because something worked for me, that doesn’t mean it would work for anyone else. So much of what happens in publishing boils down to luck and timing, and how do you even capture that? Also, I’m a terrible teacher. So, the free advice she offers on her website and on TikTok seems super helpful and again, not my beeswax.
However, per #AuthorThreads, I got sucked down the rabbit hole because Threaders say she’s offering a paid bootcamp that she infers will guarantee a six-figure deal and a literary agent. Writers on Threads and TikTok are NOT HAVING IT. (While I don’t see evidence of this, people are also saying she deleted the evidence.)
On top of that, her six-figure book only sold 150-200 copies its first week (per Threader laramie_briscoe), which does not bode well for getting a deal of that size again. (More on what sales mean in a minute.)
An aside on six-figure advances? Let’s say you get $100,000—congratulations! Sounds amazing. Holy shit, you hit the jackpot, right? Not exactly. Off the top, $15,000 will go to your agent. (No one is mad about this because your agent made this deal happen.) In the olden days, you’d get half of your advance up front, which would be $42,500 and you’d be responsible for setting aside a minimum of $8,500 for taxes, because they don’t take that out for you. (BTW, if you want to get rich quick in the publishing industry, become an accountant who works with authors because many of us have no clue what we’re doing.) So if you’re lucky, you’re left with about $34,000 to live on for the next year until you get the second half once you submit the book. I hope you like clipping coupons.
If your book does well enough to sell out your advance, you’ll see your first round of royalties about a year and a half after your book comes out. Cheryl Strayed tells the story of Wild selling like crazy, yet she was bouncing rent checks and had to buy an outfit for the Oprah show at Goodwill because she hadn’t seen any of that money yet.
I’m never joking when I tell aspiring authors to not quit their day jobs.
Like I said, half up front happened in the good old days. Now publishers split advances into quarters, or in some cases, fifths, where the last fifth isn’t paid out until an entire year after the book has been released. (I’m looking at you, Simon & Schuster.) Plus, given the fuck-all that most publishers chip in now, there’s a good chance you’ll have to spend your earnings on your own marketing, publicity, and branding. I have so many friends who didn’t see a cent from their first book (or two!) because they had to reinvest it all to get a foothold.
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