The Baldwins... Are a Hot Mess

And Hillary from Boston is the Wooooooooorst

Hey, all! Jen is here writing the Baldwins recap this week and Karyn will be replying in the inset. The presidential address is on tonight and I am pre-gaming with chardonnay even though it’s only 4:00PM on a Tuesday. Fuck it. Airport rules. Imma practice my First Amendment rights while I’ve still got ‘em.

Karyn here. Could you imagine if they took our wine away?! I’d riot. I once went to a wedding in Iowa back in the ‘90s and they wouldn’t let us buy booze on a Sunday. I haven’t been back since.

Anyway, we’re back with The Baldwins, where I have two predictions—Alec will look blown out and his wife will not-so-quietly sabotage him.

Can we all agree that this is a weird juxtaposition for a show? It’s all, “Whee! We’re whacky with all our kids and pets! And also, Daddy might go to jail for accidentally shooting his buddy!” It’s a soup sandwich. Like it should be one or the other. Like we should not be along for the ride.

We open in the Hamptons where someone has dropped a fresh deuce on the Ikat rug and two tiny dogs trot away, tails in the air. We’re supposed to assume it’s a doggy doo, but these kids are feral, so I am not entirely convinced. Their 10-year-old daughter Carmen is in club-appropriate jewelry with long, fake nails and lash extensions and she’s making herself a homemade face mask. Yeah, kid, I was thinking your 10-year old pores are looking kinda rough. Work at it and you could have the skin of a fetus.

Poor Carmen is 10 going on 34. Does she have a mortgage?

Also, I recognize that doo because I found one just like it my dining room this afternoon. Can confirm it’s tiny dog.

Okay, at least she’s planning to put the mask on Daddy, too. He needs it. Hillary from Boston says Alec may be going to prison for a long time, so he’s willing to go along with his kids’ shenanigans.

WHAT IS THIS SHOW?

Carmen covers his face with the mask and he does not make a “coffee is for closers” joke and it’s such a missed opportunity.