Hello, it’s Karyn. Jen asked if I wanted to recap The Golden Bachelor with her. Full disclosure, I don’t watch The Bachelor. Or I should say, I watched exactly one season (the season with Ben Higgins). I’ve also never read a recap or listened to a podcast recap so I don’t know how they’re done. But I did watch the amazingly trashy Rock of Love, so I’m going to give this a go.
Hello, it’s Jen. Provided you guys like the recaps, we’re going to take turns writing these. This week, my additions will be broken out in red, and next week, they will be Karyn’s.
As for reading recaps, they’re one of the biggest reasons I’m a writer. I used to be obsessed with Television without Pity and I was a fan of so many of the people who posted there. (Shack! Call me!) Between their writing, Karyn’s, and Laurie Notaro’s, I figured out my own style and went for it.
Also, I still live for recaps. I listen to every single podcast recap the boys at Watch What Crappens put out, even shows I don’t watch (Ben and Ronnie, call me!), as well as Danny Pellegrino’s Everything Iconic, (call me, Danny!), the Garbage Sesh gals (I would die if Casey and Danielle called me), Two Judgey Girls, and on occasion, Another Below Deck Podcast. If there’s an afterlife, it’s nothing but Bravo recaps and true crime podcasts for me.
Finally, Rock of Love (or maybe it was Flavor of Love) was my rock-bottom in terms of needing change in my life. I recall watching one after the other and actually recognizing a producer who worked on both shows. That’s when I knew it was time for a little more culture in my life and it’s why I wrote My Fair Lazy, where I challenged myself to get off the couch and into the world. Now I love Bravo AND opera.
Eventually, I ended up ghostwriting for Bravo celebs, and one time, I got to hang out with Andy Cohen for the day. Full circle, people. Full circle.
P.S. I will always have love for Miss New York.
Meet Gary
The show starts and we meet our Golden Bachelor, Gary. Gary has hearing aids and they show him putting them in, probably so that we know he’s older.
Note: After writing this we realized his name was spelled “Gerry,” but that’s stupid because “Gerry” is pronounced “Jerry,” not “Gary,” so we’re leaving it Gary.
As they play Cat Stevens “I listen to the wind, to the wind of my soul,” Gary starts talking and I’m reminded of when I listened to Cat Stevens in high school and did a bunch of LSD. After losing myself in memories for a bit, I remember I’m here to recap The Golden Bachelor, so I come back to Gary.
I think we’ll be mad if you don’t go on tangents. Also, I get the vibe that Gary was the most popular guy in his high school, which is why he doesn’t have much of a personality. When you peak too early, you miss all that trauma that makes you funny and interesting.
Gary’s voice leaves a lot of be desired. When they reveal he’s from Indiana, it explains a lot. No offense to people from Indiana (I’m an Illinois girl myself), but I wouldn’t rank Indiana accents high on the list of most sexy. For more on this, see Mike Pence.
My exact thought was, “This MF is a slow-talker. I don’t know if I can deal with Charlie Slow-Chat.” Now, this is apropos of nothing, but he’s from LaGrange County, IN. Why should you care? BECAUSE LAGRANGE COUNTY IS ABOUT HALF AMISH AND HOME TO THE THIRD LARGEST AMISH COMMUNITY IN AMERICA, OMFG! Do you know what this means? It means that there is horse and buggy parking at his local Walmart. He lives amongst people named Jedediah and Ezekiel, and not just because they have hipster parents. He cannot take these ladies back home soon enough for me. Also, he probably has really well-built furniture in his house.
As Gary recalls the story of how his wife of 43 years died suddenly, I’m brought to tears. They had just bought their dream home and boom! A month later she was dead. Don’t sleep on illnesses, people. Get yourself to a doctor stat when you don’t feel well.
Stupid show had me in stupid tears in the first stupid five minutes. He lost her at 66, which is WAY TOO YOUNG. They should have had each other another two decades. Life is not fair and now I am angry, but I am not sure at who. At whom? I don’t know.
My first impressions of Gary: He seems nice, but I don’t want to fuck him. Also, I don’t think Gary fucks. I think he makes love tenderly.
You are spot on.
The Ladies Arrive
Just before the ladies arrive, Gary says, “The excitement in the air is palpable,” and he’s right!
I’m sorry, five dollars says the producers fed him that line. I believe they are trying to Marcellus Wallace’s Briefcase this guy, which is an obscure reference to Pulp Fiction. They never showed what magical, mystical shit was in the briefcase and it was up to the characters to reflect the wonders that lay inside when they were bathed in golden life every time they opened it. I sort of get the feeling that Gary is an empty suit and they are doing their damndest to animate him. I feel like he’s lived his life with center-parted hair and the only time he’s ever left the country was one time to Canada. Maybe a Niagara Falls honeymoon. But prove me wrong.
Up first is Edith. She’s 60 and is a fucking babe in her gold lamé dress. She has gray hair and it looks so good on her. I wish I could pull off gray hair like that. Edith gives Gary some confetti and he gets a little too excited about it. Simmer down, Gary.
I am not trying to be glib when I say that I believe Gary has been very, very lonely and now I want to cry again. Also, we should all be this hot at 60. I love that they all have pretty hair, and no one’s got a nana style. This weekend, our friend group watched a video of the Golden Girls with modern haircuts, as they were the age we are now. I have to say, Bea Arthur was fucking hot with a cute butterfly cut. I am grudgingly giving into gray being fine (oh, so grudgingly), but the minute you go short and permed, I feel like it’s over. I watch a lot of street style videos about women in Milan. There is no one more elegant than a woman over 60 over there. Fact. And there’s not a perm in the whole city.
Ellen is next and she’s seventy-fucking-one. I say it like that because she looks phenomenal. Ellen plays pickleball and I’m thinking about playing too, so I already like Ellen more than Edith. Ellen talks a lot about her BFF Roberta who has cancer.
Note: We’re eight minutes in and we’ve already heard about one person dying and another with a terminal illness. I have a feeling death is going to be a recurring theme on The Golden Bachelor because it’s right around the corner for everyone on the show.
You know what? It works. Death lurking builds stakes. The regular Bachelor is basically a race to see what rejects can sell Sugar Bear Vitamins on Instagram, while the lead goes on to Dancing with the Stars, and, if they’re lucky, an US magazine cover. But this feels like real life and death consequences. Well done, producers. You got me.
After Ellen comes Sandra. Sandra is 75 and wears dorky glasses. Sandra tells Gary she’s nervous and announces she’s going to do a zen practice and they bleep the whole thing and blur her mouth so I have no idea what she’s saying. Sandra is a little too low energy for me, but she’s got nice legs.
I’m rooting for Sandra. When given her first chance to be on national TV in 75 years, her only thought is to drop F-bombs. I am here for this content. Imagine sitting next to her at family Thanksgiving! I would love that so much.
The next woman is dressed up in an old lady costume and initially I hate her for it, but when she takes it off and introduces herself, she seems awesome. Her name is Leslie and she dated Prince. She looks the best of all the ladies and I would totally fuck her.
Imagine if your nana dated Prince. Imagine!! My nana couldn’t even properly cook pasta sauce and SHE WAS FROM ITALY.
Leslie asks Gary to dance and he says he isn’t any good and he isn’t any good. Gary is a dork.
The speed round is here and in the next one minute we meet Marina, Christina, Joan, Natascha, Peggy, Pamela, Kathy, and Nancy, who also wears hearing aid. Of all these ladies, Natascha seems like the most fun. I’d like to get high with her.
Now we’re inside the house and the ladies are talking about Gary. While they’re all beautiful, they have a lot of sun damage on their chests. I don’t mean to judge, but it’s a good reminder for us all to always use sunscreen and not neglect the chest.
This is less about the show and more about an appreciation for how Karyn’s mind works. The way Karyn sees the world will never get old for me.
Theresa arrives next and it’s her birthday. She looks a little crazy in the eyes but she has a lovely house in New Jersey.
After Theresa comes April and her ample bosom. April loves chickens and ducks and balks at the end, which makes me love her more. She also has a Yorkie or a Yorkie mix and she quickly becomes my favorite. So far I’m team April, even though she needs someone cooler than Gary.
Now we’re back inside and Kathy is hating on April and I don’t like it. We met Kathy briefly in a speed round and there was something off about her (I could see it in her eyes). Now that she’s judging my girl April, I realize my first impression was right. Kathy is a hater who's clearly jealous of April’s voluptuous bosom.
I am always bummed by the not-here-to-make-friends gals. Ladies, these friends are all you’re going to get out of this experience, save for the opportunity to sell Tummy Tamer Tea. And why wouldn’t you want to make friends? Someone else who loves you and cares about your day and wants to take you out to lunch when you’re sad? Oh, yeah, that would be awful.
Cheerleader Renee just showed up with pom poms. Then we meet Maria, Anna and Susan. Susan just met Gary and is already talking about their wedding. After that she makes a joke about being able to handle Gary’s six-inch cock. She gives off cougar vibes and I wonder if she’s drunk.
SLOW DOWN, SUSAN. I thought that was super awkward. SUPER AWKWARD. I felt a bit I-need-an-adult. But it’s probably on-brand. That’s why senior living centers are so swinging. Years ago I temped for a place that did upscale senior housing and the rampant spread of STDs was a real problem. I guess they start drinking at lunch and then just bang it out for the rest of the day. That sounds… exhausting. We keep talking about our friend group living together on a compound when we’re old, and thus far, our only plans are to get a really big truck like they’re always driving on Yellowstone. There’s been zero mention of orgies. Understand this—I am shaving nothing for you people.
Patty arrives and she’s the mother of a former bachelor Matt James so this is an ABC booking and it annoys me. Patty seems dull and there’s no way she’d get booked on this show otherwise.
Totally agree.
Sylvia thinks she looks like Penelope Cruz. She doesn’t.
Jeanie is wearing a very hot pink dress that’s making my eyes hurt.
Holy shit, Concetta “Chippy” just showed up. She is 84 and my kind of gal. Am I team Chippy now? She’s wearing pants so, yes, I’m totally team Chippy. My God, I love Chippy. Oh, Chippy just revealed she’s Jimmy Kimmel’s aunt. I love Jimmy Kimmel but this is another ABC booking like Matt’s mom and it annoys me. Chippy thinks she’s in the wrong place, but CHIPPY, YOU’RE NOT. You and your pants deserve a seat at the table too.
I screamed when I saw Aunt Chippy. I want to see Aunt Chippy with her own Bachelorette spin-off, where all she does is make sausage and peppers and talk shit. This is a nana who knows how to make pasta sauce, I’d bet my career on it. Also, when I think about what I’ll look like at 84, Aunt Chippy is a realistic vision. I’ve not had Michelle Obama arms in my
55, I mean, 50 years thus far, so there’s no reason to believe Imma start pumping iron in my 80s.
Faith shows up on a motorcycle. Gary is smiling like he’s into it, but I wonder if he’s faking it. Now that I made a Mike Pence comparison, I can’t unthink it. I wonder if Gary thinks Faith is a sinner like Mike Pence probably would.
I desperately need this to be true.
The Journey Begins
We’ve met everyone now so the journey can begin. Gary comes in and gives a little speech and he says he’s nervous. My girl April is the first to snatch him up and take him in another room so they can talk. April brings her A-game and gives Gary a calendar where every month is April. Way to make me proud, April.
Isn’t there a Bachelor drinking game where you take a shot when they say “journey” or “amazing?” If not, we need to make one. Also, I love April.
Ellen is now with Gary and just brought up her BFF Roberta with cancer again. I’m sorry you’re going through this, Ellen, but if you’re using your sick friend as a way to connect with Gary, I don’t like it.
I don’t know when I became the naïve one, but it felt sincere to me. I could see us doing this.
Natascha is now with Gary. I could tell she had a lot of sass during the speed round and I was right. I also stand by my earlier statement that I’d like to get high with her.
I believe we’d all like to see it.
ALERT: Gary just said he has rizz so now the term rizz is dead.
Susan is back and says she’s checked out every inch of Gary and I can’t help but wonder if this includes his six-inch cock that she mentioned earlier.
Faith gets Gary alone in a room. As she plays guitar and sings to him, Gary tilts his head and looks deeply into her eyes, transfixed. Schwing! I’m pretty sure Gary wants to make love to Faith. Gary wants her to be his Mother Pence.
Hot water is starting to burn baby here.
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