The Grinch, She Is Pleased

Next Year, I'm Buying Everything

No one ever believes me when I say I hate the holidays. They’re all, “But you bake! And you cook! And you decorate!”

While technically correct, these are things I enjoy doing every season. I like making my flag cake on the 4th of July. I enjoy arranging gourds at Halloween. I am festive AF when it comes to putting things in outdoor pots or on indoor pans.

Try to guess which cookies Fletch decorated. (Also, yes, that is his drinking wig.)

While Christmas should bring out the best in people, it’s my experience it tends to bring out the worst, having worked in retail and in food service all through my extended college experience. One only needs to head to the airport or grocery store on a snowy Dec. 24th to experience humanity at its nadir.

Again, I love the treats and the evergreen decor, but actual pressure of the Christmas holidays to do, do, do, go, go, go, and feel, feel, feel? No thank you.

The stress of spending money I shouldn’t on items people don’t want? No thank you.

The gathering with family I don’t like? No thank you.

The idea of being away in a mountain lair, far from people, especially in the company of my dog, reading quietly by a roaring fire? Five stars, would recommend.

Essentially, I am this guy:

But this year, I discovered something that has upped my holiday cheer immensely—buying advent calendars. I tried this last year with the Aldi wine calendar and, wow… so bad. I am not being a wine snob, because I maintain that Aldi has some very nice wines. They just didn’t happen to be included in their Twelve Wines of Christmas That Really Should Be Used as Vinegar box. They were undrinkable, even for Fletch who is even less fussy than I am.

(Costco’s wine box is supposed to be spectacular, but I’ve never been able to get my paws on one.)

Now, last year I bought the Bonne Maman calendar after the fact, so I just ripped open the whole box at the same time. I was so pleased with the products, I decided I would lean into advent calendars this year. (And I’m so glad I listened to Karyn and didn’t just start opening doors when I received it in November. It’s way more special this way. YOU WIN AGAIN, BOSNAK.)

This purchase inspired me to buy a few sets of advent calendars this year, some for 24 days, some for 12 and I have to say—I LOVE THEM ALL SO MUCH.

I should mention that while all I want for Christmas is the Liberty of London advent calendar, it’s expensive AF. Also, none of the links on Instagram would let me buy it once I decided to treat myself because I’m in the US. Which is some bullshit.

Anyway, though it’s too late for you to start an advent calendar this year, I want to share what I’ve been opening every day so you can plan ahead for these items next year.

24 DAYS

For $1.99 at Trader Joe’s, their chocolate calendar was an absolute steal. As much fun as I’ve had with this, I can’t imagine how psyched your little kids would be. I mean, my brother and I would come to blows over the old felt advent calendar we had and there was no prize, save for filling the tree.

I got the same kind of TJ’s calendar for my cats—also for $1.99—except it was filled with cat treats and it’s been a tremendous hit.

This Lindt one was about $20, but the chocolate pieces are a lot bigger than TJ’s. It’s mostly little balls, but some days you get a small bar or a filled bear. It’s a hell yes for me.

And the star of the show is the Bonne Maman jam advent calendar, which I will now fight everyone for every year. Filled with interesting combos that they don’t sell individually, they are the perfect size. I am a sucker for any individual-sized condiments served in glass jars, like you’d get with room service at a nice hotel, so these have been absolutely aces with me. (Karyn features these every day on her IG, and the best part is when Mary Margaret gets her bite.)

Winners, all of them.

Now, things became far more interesting when I got to my twelve-day calendars.