Welcome back. In case you missed our last recap, Gary lost his Gerry privileges after laughing a little too hard last week. I would like to say maybe he could earn it back this week, but after semding pickleball Ellen home, I don’t have high hopes.
Jen’s in red this week. And I’m telling you right now he’s not getting Gerry privileges back ever. NEVER. More on this shortly.
We start with a flash forward of Gary meeting someone’s grandkids, who ask him if he loves their grandma and if they’re actually a couple. Gary says it’s true in a voice that’s extra Kermity. While you’re at it, why don’t you tell them that you’re stringing along two other ladies and that you made out with all of them last week, big guy.
While I don’t have kids, I can tell you what I do know about them. Children will sell you out in a minute. In a minute. They are not to be trusted. And all these kids are super cute, which makes them all the more dangerous.
Anyway, it’s hometown visit week and Gary’s excited. Faith, Leslie and Theresa are left, and Jen is right — Gary has a type and it’s a brunette. Pickeball Ellen and her blonde hair didn’t stand a chance and we didn’t even know it. Gary says he only wants to say “I love you” to one other person in his lifetime which strikes me, because he’s really in this for love. I don’t watch the normal Bachelor, but I feel like some people are just in it to win it.
Hundred percent agree. Remember, the iconic Bachelor quote is, “I’m not here to make friends.” Why can’t you make friends, too? It’s one more person to buy you a present off your wedding registry! Anyone with that attitude is there for social media clout, hard stop, and the heart they win is just tangential, which is why almost none of these couples ever last.
Apropos of nothing, I believe Gary’s Facebook status is probably full of stuff he was trying to Google, i.e., “Free haircuts for veterans on Veterans’ Day.”
Also, speaking of hair, there was something about Gary’s hair in the sunlight that gave me a real Just For Men box hair coloring vibe. I had a boss that used the stuff about 25 years ago and his hair was the exact same color. As someone who spends a fuckton of money on highlights, I support this endeavor. But anyone who’s falling in love with Gary as a strawberry blonde is going to be sorely disappointed when he’s back with his Blue Steel color, clam chowder skin, and his dork clothes. $1,000 says he has sneakers with Velcro closures in his closet, and not the cool Balenciaga kind.
Theresa in New Jersey
First up is Theresa in Shrewsbury, NJ. I Googled where Shrewsbury is and it’s right there on the edge of the northern shore, in hurricane territory. (I like to judge places by what kind of natural disaster I’d have to be worried about if I visit.)
Karyn, this delights me.
Theresa and Gary rendezvous in a park and she runs into his arms when she sees him. She’s wearing a pair of white wedges and still has to get on her tippie toes to kiss him because he’s freakishly tall. They talk about the great connection they had over milkshakes, and then Gary brings up driving on the freeway in a convertible, which I still haven’t gotten over.
They always default to visiting which family member has the nicest home. When they have to do it in a restaurant or bar, that means no one in the inner circle has either money or taste. (Listen, that’s not me being classist; it’s the producers.)
Theresa says she hasn’t introduced anyone to her family since her husband died, and then they go to her daughter’s house. I know it’s her daughter’s house because I’m a stalker who Googled where Theresa lives and it’s not this house.
Did you see Theresa’s house? Is she confirmed rich? I feel like you can’t trade securities and not end up really, really comfortable.
When Theresa and Gary arrive it’s pure chaos, like they’re playing Twister. In addition to her daughter, Gary meets her son-in-law, two sisters, and three grandsons. Everyone likes him.
I guarantee Gary is decent company, pleasant and personable. I liked how he spoke with the children. (Kids love Muppets.) If I didn’t know what was to come, I’d have been tempted to Gerry him.
Theresa’s sisters Charlotte and Mary take her into the kitchen. It looks like they’re in a book club, but they’re talking about how sexy Gary is. Not really but I bet they did when the camera wasn’t on. Theresa says she’s feeling self-conscious because she’s 70 competing with 60 year olds.
Everything about this quote makes me unfathomably sad.
After this Gary goes outside with the grandsons, who tell him Theresa comes over a lot because she’s lonely. When Gary asks them to tell him something interesting about Theresa, they say she does duck lips when taking selfies, and then they all imitate her. Fucking kids. This is why I don’t have any. Little tattletales. Gary thinks it’s precious. Okay, Gary.
Damn it, I like this. I like these people. Wait, am I rooting for Theresa now? What is happening?
Then Gary has a one-on-one with Theresa’s daughter, Jen, and she asks the question that’s been on my mind: If this works out, how will it work because you live in two different places? Here’s the thing, when you’re younger, it’s easy to up and move to be with someone. But when you’re older and have families, not so much. Is Gary going to move away from his family to be with Theresa? He just bought that sweet beach house! Or will Theresa abandon her family to be with him?
To be fair, it’s an Indiana beach house, which is not exactly the same as being on the mighty Atlantic. But this question does make me crazy, as there’s no solid answer. The whole, “We’ll figure it out,” business is bullshit. No. You won’t. You will fight about it for the rest of your life if you don’t establish the protocol early on. Like when people get married and one might want kids and one might not. It’s a do or do not scenario, there is no in-between. You won’t figure it out, you’re gonna get divorced, or one person will give in and resent the other forever. Indiana or New Jersey? There’s no meeting in the middle, because none of their people live in the middle.
Theresa’s daughter asks Gary if he’s falling in love with her mom, and he says he feels a connection but doesn’t know if it’s love. Jen doesn’t look happy with this answer. Then Gary meets with Theresa’s sisters who tell him Theresa “found her guy.” Gary gets teary and one of them grabs his hand to comfort him.
These seem like decent, kind people. I bet no one fights at Thanksgiving.
Theresa tells her daughter she’s falling in love with Gary, and Jen is really hopeful and cries. At the end, the grandkids tell Gary he should be the new paw paw. Way to play it cool, assholes.
Karyn, I love your take. Will you accept my rose?
That night they go to the Jersey shore and ride a ferris wheel and Theresa tells Gary she’s in love with him. Then they lick each other’s faces as fireworks go off. Gary channels Jerry Maguire and says something about how they complete each other. Theresa isn’t my favorite but she could be the one.
And here is where Gerry becomes Gary forever for me. At some point during the family stuff (I was steaming clothes for Poshmark, so I wasn’t paying strict attention, sorry!), someone asks what he loves about Theresa. He says he loves the way she looks at him.
WRONG FUCKING ANSWER, GARY.
If what you love is how you’re reflected in her eyes, you are a textbook narcissist. I am sure Theresa has plenty of good qualities. Maybe extend your gaze past your own navel and find one of them. However, it could be that Gary isn’t smart or articulate enough to come up with something and again I refer you all to Theresa’s former career, which is for SMART PEOPLE ONLY. I think she might be too good for him and now I’m on her team. Argh.
Faith in Washington
The next day Gary arrives in Benton City, WA to visit Faith. There are a lot of horses and farmland, so I immediately Google it and learn the population is 3,479 people. If I were Gary, I’d tell the driver to take me back to the airport immediately. When I Google what kind of natural disasters I’d have to worry about there, I see that they’re right next to someplace called Rattlesnake Hills. No thanks.
I had to Google, too. Wow. She lives in the middle of nowhere. Like, three hours to anyplace like Seattle, Portland, Boise, or Spokane. The travel in and out of there would be a nightmare. You know where would be super easy to travel? Florida with pickleball Ellen.
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