First of all, ewww. The show’s been on for 35 seconds and I’m already grossed out.
Jen: Me, too! The opening scene scored a perfect Olympic 10 for me in terms of awkward. Also, hi to anyone who’s new to our recaps. We take turns writing them and commenting, although Karyn was quicker on the draw than me this week and I am grateful. I’ll be the comments inset with the orange line.
The show is beginning, but it’s actually just a foreshadowing so we’re going to have to relive this cringe moment again. Kelsey’s dad Mark is sitting with Joan and speaking a foreign language. In German, he asks Joan, “Can I kiss you?” And Joan says, “Yes, and you could’ve asked it in English.” And he replies, “But it’s funner.”
BUT IT’S FUNNER.
Let’s hope Joan sends this bozo home. Okay, now the show is starting and it’s another two-hour ordeal. Why?! Who has time for this? I’m trying to launch a merch store!
The Big Mouse cares not for your plans. The Big Mouse will tell us all what we watch and how long we watch it, capisce?
Day One at the Mansion
The guys are in the kitchen toasting to Joan and checking out the house. They like it; there’s a putting green and a pool. But then they see the sleeping situation: bunk beds.
Everyone’s bitching because no one wants the top bunk. Groovy Gary has bad knees, Dr. Guy with the big cheeks gets up five times a night to pee (clearly a prostate problem, as not even Mary gets up five times a night to pee). You know who’s not bitching? Precious Charles. He volunteers for the top bunk like the king he is.
Meanwhile, Pascal is horrified about the closet space, and he doesn’t know how to do his own laundry. I would pick Pascal if it meant whoever does his laundry would do mine too. He’s got a hot body and he sleeps naked. Pascal is sexy, ladies!
According to my old trainer Brett, no one likes to be naked in front of strangers more than old men. Brett used to say going into the locker room was his own personal Vietnam.
Pascal offers Colonel Sanders/Mr. Roarke $100 per load to do his laundry. He obviously accepts because he’s no dummy. Pascal gets up a couple of times a night to pee, so he tells everyone to be prepared for a naked Frenchman.
Karyn is having a rough week, so the last thing I want to do is start this recap with a fight, but WE IN A FIGHT, KARYN. Pascal is merde with a capital M. This is my Babe Ruth moment where I’m calling my shot. Remember in the Golden Bach when I said Gary was trash from the jump? (We know it’s not spelled Gary. It was a thing.) And you were all, “Nooooo, but daddy I love him!”
WHO WAS RIGHT?
Here’s the thing—Pascal is baguette-deep in eligible, gorgeous, age-appropriate, single socialites every day except for Sunday and Monday at Pascal Pour Elle. If Pascal were truly pour elle and not pour Pascal, he’d have found someone long ago. IIRC, he lives in the Gold Coast, hangs in the Viagra Triangle, and drives ridic luxury cars (think: McLaren and not Mercedes). I guarantee his usual hook-up is a good thirty years younger than our Joanie on a bad day.
Also, he used to make the stylists crazy. He’d show up and bark orders, despite not having any idea of what was going on, and he’d screw up everyone’s process. After his seagull management (meaning screeching and shitting on everything) he’d speed up and drive away in a car with an engine so loud I could feel it in my lower intestine. I have $10 that says he routinely hangs out on his/a luxury boat in the Playpen on Lake Michigan wearing a Speedo, surrounded by girls in their 20s. I don’t even have to find his Instagram to know in my soul this is true.
Merde.
But otherwise I like him and won’t mind being proved wrong.😑
Captain Kim is used to sleeping around a bunch of guys because of the Navy, so this doesn’t phase him at all.
Jesse shows up and tells them there will be three dates this week: Two group dates and a one-on-one date. And if you don’t get a rose on the one-on-one, you’ll be going home. All the guys are silent, and then Precious Charles goes, “Could you repeat?” And it’s so funny! I love Precious Charles! I want to marry Precious Charles!
TEAM CHARLES.
Jesse repeats the agenda one more time, and it’s apparent to me why every man on this show needs a wife: They’re incapable of listening to a damn thing he says.
Keep reading with a 7-day free trial
Subscribe to Meet the Mess to keep reading this post and get 7 days of free access to the full post archives.