Welcome to The Golden Bachelor Wedding Recap! It’s Karyn writing on this one with Jen’s comments in red. Mary and I got our fascinators out and are ready to celebrate.
This recap is already worth reading for the Mary photos.
The show opens with Gary and Theresa. It’s their last night as single people and these two can’t believe they found each other. I can’t either, to be honest. This thing really works. It’s crazy.
Jesse Palmer joins us live from The La Quinta Resort in Palm Springs, California. Palm Springs is usually hot, but we’ve been having a cold spell here in California, so today’s high was 69, which is perfect for these two lovebirds. Jesse wasn’t sure if he was going to make it because his wife is about to give birth to their first child any minute now, so he’s on standby. All I have to say is that he better be bringing home a sweet paycheck to leave her alone right now.
If he misses the birth of his first kid just to hawk an Amazon-sponsored gift registry, his wife should divorce him and take everything.
Kathy and some lady named Charity join Jesse from the “gold carpet.” Kathy’s excited to be there and says, “Who thought it was a good idea to put a microphone in my hand?” I do, Kathy. I think it’s a great idea because you’re awkward in the best way. She announces a drinking game and tells us to take a sip every time Gary and Theresa kiss. I’ve made a cocktail to celebrate and will do, queen.
I had no idea who Charity was. We didn’t need her. This was Kathy’s time to shine and she totally did!
Jesse returns with Ellen, who’s wearing the earrings Gary gave her. I hope the light catches them just right during the ceremony and they cast reflections on Gary’s face when he says his “I dos.”
They flashback to the holidays, when Gary and Theresa got their families together. Gary shows up wearing a terrible holiday sweater. I wonder if Theresa’s family still likes him after finding out he lied about his gigolo past. Gary asks Theresa’s grandkids what they think about him marrying their nana and the oldest one who’s maybe seven goes, “Uh, we’re just, like, children.” Exactly, don’t ask what they think. Then the little one says he can do it if he has a jet ski. I like this one’s priorities.
I hate “frauding” like this. If it were really Christmas in NJ, the trees wouldn’t have had leaves. Also, I don’t care about the kids, I care about the spectacular fat dog who lives with the family.
After this, the family plays some weird game where they put red Solo cups on their hands and try to gather marshmallows on the floor and I have no idea what’s happening. Then Gary’s daughters make their mom’s favorite recipe and everyone cries. Remind me never to go to Gary and Theresa’s on Christmas.
They make his dead wife’s cinnamon balls, which appear to be some sort of oven-fried donut. These intrigue me as much as the dog. They make a dozen for about a dozen people, and there are enough left over for Fat Dog to steal, so I have to wonder if they were actually any good. I mean, try to keep me from scarfing down hot, fresh oven donuts, I dare you. There are dishes that can remind you of family holidays, but that doesn’t mean they were delicious. I mean, every time I run across a bone shard in red sauce, I think of my Noni’s gravy and how my dad used to sneak Big Macs into Sunday dinners in lieu of having to eat her food. (I’m still pissed that I had the one Italian grandmother who couldn’t cook.)
Before going to break, they talk about their wedding registry at Amazon, who is clearly a sponsor of tonight’s festivities. Then they kiss under the mistletoe and I take a drink, so happy this flashback is over.
When we return, Kathy is with Gary’s daughters who are wearing matching light blue strapless chiffon dresses. Wouldn’t it be fun if they weren’t bridesmaids and just wore matching dresses everywhere they went? It seems like something weirdos from Indiana would do. When they leave, OMG Leslie arrives. She’s wearing a metallic Norma Kamali dress, of course, and looks beautiful. She says she’s there to celebrate love and support Theresa. I hope her dress casts reflections on Gary’s face during the ceremony too.
Ben Higgins shows up and I know who he is because his was the only Bachelor season I watched. I’m pretty sure he’s hitting on Leslie and I like this for him. Before going to commercial break, they tell us to shop Gary and Theresa’s registry only on Amazon. I’m good, thanks.
Wait, are WE supposed to send them presents? Hard pass.
When we come back, Trista and Ryan announce they’re celebrating their 20th anniversary. Apparently their’s was the first Bachelor wedding. They’re with some lady named Molly, and I don’t know who she is, but she had a Bachelor wedding too. Then the new bachelor Joey shows up. I have to say, watching one season of this show is exhausting. I can’t imagine people who watch all the seasons. They’ve lost years of their lives doing so.
This painful pre-wedding coverage is why I don’t watch award shows. And why are all the men dressed in the Hillary Clinton Pant Suit Collection? Also, the Old Gays from social media are here and they never even introduce them! How do you just ignore the most interesting people at the wedding?? Actually, the show so far is the physical embodiment of “this could have been an email.”
We go to another flashback of Gary and Theresa planning the wedding. They’re driving another convertible, but it’s a Mercedes this time. I wonder if Gary asked Theresa to buy it for him.
That was a mic drop moment, Karyn. Well done.
Mindy the wedding planner shows up and shows them a set table. The floral arrangements are gorgeous. So many roses. Gary explains why he loves Theresa so much and says, “It’s the look in her eye when she looks at me.” I know this will infuriate Jen because he’s still making it about him.
That is the theme for this wedding. Everyone is making it about themselves.
Gary lets Theresa pick everything out because he only wants her money, he doesn’t actually care about the wedding. The only thing he wants to give input on is the cake. Then they make out, and I take another drink. WHY HASN’T THE WEDDING STARTED YET?
Fletch was watching with me. He said we should Google how long the television coverage for the first moon landing was. And I could have done without Gary making Theresa eat cake off his face.
Jesse is back with Natasha, who was an early favorite of mine. She has a message for those of us sitting on the couch at home, and I feel attacked. I don’t like her anymore.
I just read an article in the Huffington Post in praise of adults being single. It flies in the face of everything this wedding is about.
Kathy returns with Edith, Joan, and April, who are excited to find love in 2024. Is it just me or is it weird all of his exes are at the wedding?
Kathy makes her way to the bar and toasts to all the single ladies out there — may they not be single next year.
I don’t think Kathy was supposed to drink, but she grabs that Old Fashioned with an iron claw and I legit cheered.
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