We Watched 'The Baldwins' So You Don't Have To

So many kids. So, so many kids.

Hello, Karyn here! Jen and I were on the hunt for something new to recap, and I said, “How about The Baldwins?” It’s on TLC, the network that brought us 90-Day Fiancé and Sister Wives, so it seems like the perfect home for these two nut jobs.

Jen is here in red. I’m excited about this because I met Alec Baldwin once at an Author’s Night in the Hamptons. His voice is liquid silk and I am not kidding. There’s funny post going around social media now where a guy shows a shot of him and his wife on his wedding day and she’s giving a Mona Lisa smile. Next to it is a shot of the day she met Rob Lowe and her entire aura is wreathed in smiles, just ear to ear, and the guy points out the difference. Basically, in my photo with Baldwin, it’s the same vibe. I am not physically shoving Fletcher out of the pic, but am definitely doing it mentally.

Alright, showtime. We’re in NYC. Now we’re in the Baldwins’ apartment. There are pictures of kids everywhere. I mean, every square inch of this place is plastered with Baldwin offspring. It’s like a shrine to procreation. Omg, here come the actual kids. There’s a thousand of them. Running. Screaming. It’s like a high-end Chuck E. Cheese.

Holy shit, Alec looks AWFUL. This had to have been while figuring out what happened on Rust, right? I imagine that is weighing on his soul. I imagine that many children will suck the lifeblood clean out of you. Also, I am writing this as I’m watching and not reading ahead because it’s funnier to me to see where Karyn and I align—so it’s really like we’re watching together.

Oh, they have a cat. That poor, poor cat. You just know it’s plotting an escape, dreaming of a quiet life in a Brooklyn brownstone.

With an owner who is single.

“Save me.”

Meanwhile, the kids are out of control. They’re breakdancing in the living room, swinging swords, and launching themselves off the furniture. A little girl casually hides in a closet. If I lived there, I’d lock all the kids in that same closet at least once a day, pour myself a glass of wine, sit on the sofa with the cat and be like, Finally, peace.

I used to play “hide and go seek” with the kids I babysat and then I’d do the same with a Diet Coke and a Glamour magazine, occasionally yelling about how hard they were to find. They thought they were brilliant hiders and I got to be away from them. Everyone won. (There’s a good reason I never became a mother.) (Obvi, this is it.)

I know aging is natural, but remember how cute Alec Baldwin used to be? Those days are over. He could use an upper and lower bleph. He needs a refresh.

This is what I mean. It’s like we’re watching together.

Hilaria — sorry, Hillary from Boston — starts talking about having their first baby. Then they cut to home video of her talking to the newborn in Spanish.

See, I knew this would be a good show because she’s delusional.

You’d think after the whole “How you say cucumber?” scandal, she’d be embarrassed to keep up the act. But nope! She’s doubling down. Honestly, I respect the commitment.