You're Never Too Old to Bare It All

The Golden Bachelorette Episode 4 Recap

Good news, everyone! This week’s episode of The Golden Bachelorette isn’t two hours long. The bad news is that it’s still 90 minutes. Seriously, what’s with the marathon episodes?

Jen here in the insets! Two hours is too much but I’d likely be cranky if they were only an hour. I’m good with 90 minutes.

Anywho, we’re starting off tonight with a teaser of what’s to come, and Joan and Chock are in full hug-and-cry mode. We know from last week that Chock’s probably leaving this week, so I think that’s what’s happening here.

Two minutes in and I’m already HULK SMASH. I will be SO upset if Chonk leaves because I don’t recall anyone ever coming back. But if he goes, Chonk for Golden Bach. (I’m sorry, I just cannot write Chock. I don’t understand it, ergo I refuse to use it.)

Next up we have a charming little montage of Charles teaching tai chi to the guys, Dr. Guy lifting weights, and my favorite — Mark teaching Pascal how to do his own laundry. See, Pascal is growing, evolving, changing. He’s a catch!

Pascal is extraordinarily likable, no argument there. And I love Charles so much, but he has zero sex appeal. Just zero. I want to dress him in overalls and feed him soup.

Pascal reads a group date card to the guys, and everyone is invited except Dr. Guy and Chicago Jordan. The guys hop onto a bus and get ready to “bare it all.” We know from last week that they’re going to get all naked this week. Things are about to get weird.

Speaking of naked, Instagram thinks I’m a perv and keeps feeding me posts of older folks being sexy. I’m going to write a separate post about this, so stay tuned, but I just wanted to let you know.

Can’t you click the “I don’t like this stuff” button and they’ll stop serving you? I slam it every time someone taps their nails on something for the ASMR. Makes me CRAZY. Or maybe Zuck is trying to tell you it’s time to date because you have new clothes and a new bod and people need to see both?

Seniors Get Naked

The men arrive at a theater. Joan is on stage and is joined by a former Bachelorette named Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn says Joan wants to find someone spontaneous and confident, so the guys are going to have to perform.

Fletch joined me again to watch. (I think he misses me because I’m holed up in my office 12 hours a day with this stupid book.) He was profoundly disappointed the special guest wasn’t a monkey. But when is the special guest ever a monkey? I was disappointed because they didn’t find a way to bring back the Swayze/Farley Chippendales holograms. THAT is how you win over Gen X.

Chippendales dancers come out and start dancing in unison. They’re going to teach the guys how to do a striptease routine. The performance will raise money for Stand Up To Cancer, so if anyone bails, they’ll look like a real asshole because it’s for a good cause.

The dancers demonstrate some signature moves, including “the shampoo” and the “body roll.” Groovy Gary’s all in, as are Keith and Pascal. Chock admits this is gonna be tough for him, and says he’d like to down three glasses of chardonnay to loosen up. I’m with you, Chock.

Ironically, that’s when Fletch opened the chardonnay.

The men go backstage to pick out their costumes. Groovy Gary is going as “The Nutty Professor” and Jonathan is going as “Sergeant Sexy.” Girl Dad Keith says he’s wanted to be a Chippendales dancer ever since he was 20, so this is a big deal to him.

Girl Dad Keith, I need you to look at your life and look at your choices. Also, Groovy Gary as the Nutty Professor was a big yes. He’s so cute and lovable.

The guys are getting dressed. While adjusting their junk, Mark tells Jonathan, “Beans at the bottom.” Which, okay, where else would they go? Is there ever a scenario where the beans would go on top? Could the beans even go on top? I’m honestly spiraling here, is it possible? (Jen, please ask Fletch about bean placement, and if it’s ever possible for the beans to go on top.)

He says it’s never beans anywhere but the bottom.

Back to the show. Charles opts to wear a Hawaiian shirt and lei. He has zero sex appeal and I think it’s time for him to go home. Keith has decided to go as a construction worker. Chock dons a tux.

Oh, Charles. It’s sort of like he was touring LA and stumbled onto the wrong bus and ended up at the mansion. He likely should never have been here, even though I love him.

It’s showtime! The audience is filled with young women who can’t wait to see senior citizens get naked. The energy is high and the guys are pumped, particularly Keith, as this is a bucket list item for him. Joan and Kaitlyn are drinking wine, as they should. If I were Joan, I’d make one rule for the guys: Show me your titties or you’re out.

Fletch asked, “Is this attractive to hetero women?” No. Not in my case. What say the rest of you?

The group kicks things off with a group dance to “LoveGame” by Lady Gaga. “Let's have some fun, this beat is sick. I wanna take a ride on your disco stick.” Let’s go!