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The Golden Bachelorette Episode 5 Recap

Welcome to our Golden Bachelorette episode 5 recap! Karyn is writing this week with Jen’s comments indented in orange like this:

Hello, it’s Jen!

This week starts off with a sneak peek that’s a snooze. Joan asks Mark to talk privately, and that’s literally it. That’s the entire sneak peek. I think it’s a sign nothing exciting is going to happen from here on out because Joan sent all the good guys home.

In Big Brother, when it gets closer to the end, the cut contestants all stay in what’s called a “jury house” and we get to check in on what’s going on with them. It’s fun because they’re not competing, just vibing. Granted, these guys aren’t voting at the end so they don’t need to stick around, but I wish we had some entity to keep up with them. The best part of the season has been watching the guys bond. We didn’t even need Joan and her Oppressive Grief.™ I would watch a cross-county road trip with them where they all have to live in an RV and they have adventures, meeting older single ladies along the way. Golden Bachelor on the Road™, make it happen, ABC.

Pascal is the only reason I’m still watching. Everyone else bores me to death. Jordan is nice but boring. Jonathan is nice but boring. And don’t get me started on Chonk. As Ann said in the comments last week, there’s something “ick” about him. What’s his story? WHO IS CHONK?!

How are you named Chock/Chonk and not give some explanation? It’s maddening.

I just feel like we knew a lot more about The Golden Bachelor ladies when we were five episodes in. And it’s great that these guys are all bros, but there’s no tension. The closest we’ve come to drama this season is when Groovy Gary told Captain Kim that no one wanted to sing his song. Joan better not send Pascal home. Or Dr. Guy, as I’m starting to like him too.

After the sneak peek they kick things off with Pascal in his tighty whities. Woo hoo! Would Chonk let us see him in his undies? I doubt it!

I could have done without the underwear shot. My guess is they weren’t even his, and production made him put on something because they didn’t want to film him commando. I bet Precious Charles left them by mistake.

After this, he and the men gab about how quiet the house is now that so many guys are gone. Keith starts spiraling because he thinks his relationship with Joan is stalling. Fingers crossed she’s on the same page and gives him the boot tonight.

Then Joan has a lunch date with Bachelor legend Trista Sutter. She asks Trista what she’d do differently if she could do it again, and Trista says she’d be more vulnerable. So Joan says she’s going to do that. (She’s so boring.)

JFC, enough with Trista. She’s like Ken-my-job-is-beach, except her job is Bachelor. Also, I am willing to admit this is now a house full of dull, save for Pascal. They should call Keith a Girl Dud, not a Girl Dad.

Back at the mansion, a date card comes in — and it’s for Keith. Mark is disappointed because he still hasn’t had a one-on-one with Joan, but he’ll get his time.

Keith and Joan Get Drunk

Keith gets into an SUV and arrives to where Joan is waiting for him next to a helicopter. They do a fly-by of the mansion, and all the guys wave at them. Chonk is jealous — and a lobster. He needs to put on more sunscreen.